Cubicle Haiku

When every server for your company crashes, it is impossible to complete any work. What to do? Cubicle Haiku:


Glowing red apple
Full of juice and seeds inside
Do not bite hard core


Beige walls rise around
Keep me lonely and unseen
But I still hear you


Beat box pump me up
Dancer spins on his head gear
Shiny red track suit

e: Everything

Only one of the best-ever Mid-Atlantic parties you could find!

Solid

1 The Everyday Syndrome 4:55
2 Essence of the Problem 4:09
3 I Don't Care 4:31
4 I'm Alive 3:33
5 Falling 6:44
6 S.L.W.B. 5:20
7 Don't Ask Me Why 4:43
8 Be Gone 7:59
9 Frenchie 4:39
10 Wake Up 4:06
11 South of the Border 5:06
12 Soulfish 13:14
13 Woodville 2:47

Dave Matthews Safe Rock Band - please remove yourself from existence. Thanks.

Three cheers for the boys from JMU.

Camp North Star

I gotta say that, after recent deliberation, Meatballs is my favorite Bill Murray movie.

It’s not an easy choice. There are many variables: featured roles, preferred content, period pieces (late 70’s versus modernly stylish 2000’s), renowned directors getting the most out of the whole production - I could go on and on.

Well, I will go on just a bit more: movies with Bill Murray that weren’t meant to be Bill Murray Movies. Caddyshack. Rushmore. Where The Buffalo Roam. Kingpin.

However, I always return to Meatballs. It has a happy, easy-going goofiness to it that doesn’t get in your face. The gags and pranks were silly, not meant to totally scar the prankee emotionally. And the tender moments Bill Murray spent with the various counselors and campers were a preview of noticeable roles to come. It all worked out very well.

Runners-up (in no particular order): Stripes, The Life Aquatic, Rushmore, Where The Buffalo Roam, Ghostbusters, etc.

As my pal SK paraphrased it:

“Even if… even if we took a critical approach to this, even if every man, woman and child watched his movies and voted, even if God in heaven above came down to Blockbuster and rented a movie himself, it just wouldn’t matter, because all the Oscars would still go to George Clooney because he has all the looks. I tell you just doesn’t matter which movie is the best… It just doesn’t matter! It just doesn’t matter!?

Things on my mind.

The 2004 ALCS is one of the best sporting events of all time.

Mixing hot chocolate and espresso provides a great-tasting boost on those sloooow mornings.

Late Fall evenings in SoBo are wonderful. The crisp, cool air provides a glimmer and sharpness to the lights and shadows as people move about briskly to the shops, bars & restaurants. Ah, vibrant activity in the city.

Got an industrial-sized tub of real chocolate ice cream in the freezer. man, I'm gonna get fat in the next few days.

Song playing right now: Halloween Parade - Lou Reed (kind of fitting, huh?)

Lord Vader

For some reason, the Orioles worship Darth Vader as well. What does September 16th mean????

http://baltimore.orioles.mlb.com/schedule/index.jsp?c_id=bal

The Dream of All Dreams

Quirky storefronts in Hampden that made it difficult to arrange bars & restaurants in a pleasing manner. Gas lamps providing low, seedy lighting and eerie shadows in the corners. Shady characters and sordid criminals lined the bar, slogging and sloshing thick beer and whiskey onto the sticky countertop and dirty floor. They spoke of past horrible deeds and laughed about them.

Post apocalyptic city. Samurai swords carried by groups of citizens as they stormed the streets to save the city – razor-sharp blades slicing off fingers, hands, arms & legs. Guns firing in all neighborhoods. Smashed, burning cars everywhere. Zombies eating the slow and the weak.

And then, sauntering down the mayhem-filled streets came Darth Vader, Lord of the Sith. He surveyed the destruction and chaos, arms held wide, nodding his head in approval. I approached him slowly, samurai sword gripped firmly.

Stong stuff.

I officially have The Shakes. When coworkers make a double batch of coffee, it's probably a good idea to pour a small cup. I feel like I'm going to puke. Or die. Maybe both.

Maryland City

Tell me more about it.

Take off, eh.

A bunch of Canadian guys just cornered me to take their picture at the ballpark. One of ‘em even said, ”We’re here for the game, eh?”

Oh, Canada!

Magic Pie

One of my fave songs.

Word on the street is that some new Oasis music is on the way.

Maybe it will boost Man City this season.

Mini SoBo Vacation

Dreamy. That's what it is.

Two weekdays off is always fun. Add in the AWESOME Canadian-like weather during August, and this is a dream.

Yesterday and today I had the windows and doors wide open for that beautiful air, and let me tell you: time up on the roof reading "all the papers" was never better.

Wednesday closed with a picture-perfect evening and an Orioles win against the Red Sox whilst sitting four row behind the O's dugout, treating friends to those fantastic, company-owned seats.

Today? Nothing but leisure time: at the park with the dog, a quiet morning workout at the gym and an afternoon on the roof deck reading more of "all the papers".

Oh, and mixed in were three fantastic episodes of Homicide: Life on the Streets. The "Fire" double episode and the Edgar Allen Poe "guy buried alive" episode. Great stuff from 1995, before the network people imported lots of beefcake and makeup.

Man, this is "The Life".

jb

Love Stinks

Yes it's true. Not for me, mind you. It's just that I watched a VH1 Classic show this evening, and saw some fantastic videos.

Here I Go Again - Whitesnake
Love Stinks - J. Giles Band
I Will Survive - Gloria Maynor (Man, who can beat the Philadelphia Strings sound? SO good.)

When you get down to it, the video for Love Stinks is such a treat. They used real film, shot in crappy locations and made fun of themselves. (No Link here - we all know that YouTube has everything you ever need.)

Enjoy.

iPod Randomness

Out of 6,377 songs, here are the first ten songs the little devils in my player chose for me:

Khashoggi’s Ship – Queen
Beyond The Pale – The Mission
Stop In The Name… - Public Enemy
Metro – Berlin
Here I Am – Skid Row
Move On – Paul Stanley
Kickin’ For Days – Beautiful Creatures
I Wanna Be Somebody – W.A.S.P.
The Prince – Metallica

It Was A Very Good Beer – Homer Simpson

There is more than just rock in the iPod. For the most part, I guess they felt like rockin' out this morning. No complaints here.

Enjoy.

Isaac Hayes

One of my main inspirations since I was little.

All I can say right now is "Walk On By."

jb

The Break Room

Is there a more pathetic spot around? In most offices, it’s a small, cramped place with shiny linoleum tiles which reflect the glaring fluorescent tube lights like a solar flare. Seriously, we need sunscreen on our skin to hang out in these places.

Add to that a couple of vending machines full of crappy food & soda. Then toss in a gossipy group of people who are “cuttin’ loose” during their breaks, and the decibels rise close to that of famed Who concert levels.

Oh, and then there is the community microwave, full of so many bits of caked-on leftovers/uncovered chunky soup splatterings, and the unwashed dishes in the sink. Yuck. Don't forget about the three-month-old moldy food rotting away all over the fridge. What a wonderful smell!

Such a depressing place to spend one's free time.

Six Songs

For a Friday afternoon:

Roulette Girl – Mary Prankster
She’s Got Issues – The Offspring
Girls Got Rhythm – AC/DC
Love Stinks – J. Geils Band
Tell That Girl To Shut Up – Transvision Vamp
Erica Kane – Urge Overkill

Hmmm... It may look as though a theme exists, but I swear it's just a coincidence. Maybe the first song set the tone subconsciously.

Let me know your six songs.

2! Minutes!! To Kebabs!!!

Sorry, but that's how real songs end up in this house: 2 Minutes To Midnight by Maiden becomes a chant for kebobs headed for the grill. Other classics:

"Put The Sodas In The Fridge!" (from that song by Drowning Pool, sung as we moved all of our crap from the apartment into our new house - first-time buyers' discount and all)

"Woo Hoo, BLACK UNDIES!" (Stevie Newton-John will recognize this as Black Diamond by KISS. Everyone should rest easy knowing that it wasn't sung about me.)

"'Scuse me, while I kiss this guy!" or "Scuse me, while I eat this fly!" (Classic derivitaves from Purple Haze that we've all heard before.)

From the song "So Alive" by Love & Rockets, there were plenty of laughs that I won't repeat here due to the crude sophomoric nature. Don't get the idea that I don't laugh my ass off when they pop into my head. I'll just keep it to myself for now.

I'm laughing again, fixated on those songs. More to follow...

Jury Duty

So as I tried to say yesterday, except that everything came out in Hindi... I wasn't called in for jury duty! Woo Hoo! That's a big deal in this city. Not only is it a miracle that THEY did not call in all 999 people THEY are legally allowed to call, but THEY only called people #650 and below.

In this town, that is unusual.

During the time spent wandering through the courthouse killing off a wasted day in your life, waiting for the first of many calls to a courtroom, you walk the halls amongst many drug corner mass-murderers dressed in their (lawyer-provided) sunday best.

Yes, it's a joke.

And I will stop there, because it makes me mad every time.

When I hear registered residents of this jurisdiction say, "I NEVER get called", well you know...

Every 366th day I get that puke-green notice, yet the folks running this system cannot get them compooters to call in the people who say, "I WOULD LOVE TO GET JURY DUTY." How convenient that they never get called?

Hey, how about getting downtown, showing up at the courthouse and signing up for jury duty??? Take my spot, whydontcha?

Well, I'll stop there. For now.

Hindiana Jones

Okay, I'm back, and in English. For some reason, the language for my posts was set to Hindi. how the heck did I do that? Maybe in the middle of the night I went sleepblogging.

Weird.

Felafel is Awful**

**That's what Burnworth said. He was kidding.


Ever since that weekend visit to Ali Baba's on MacDougal Street, I've been hooked on Felafel. All credit goes to Burnworth. It's the best meal. I just stuffed myself full of it this evening. Mmmm...

Living the Good Life

Let's see, where do I start...

Scheduled a dental appt to remove two wisdom teeth.

Cancelled appt to remove two wisdom teeth. Had tickets to a kick-ass concert the same night as the dental appt, and although I considered doing both that night, a cooler head convinced me that it wasn't a good idea.

Then came the weekend. I watched hockey, baseball and basketball. Business as usual.

Monday rolled around, went to work. Tuesday came and went, same with Wednesday. Thursday rolled around. Left work at the usual time, went home, had a beer. Then we hopped on our bikes and rode over to the VAN HALEN concert!!!!!

On our bikes!!! How coool is that?!?!

Diamond David Lee Roth was the lead singer!!!!!

So, that's all I will say right now. People who don't know anything about VH by now should just ask me personally about it.

The next day I went to work, mostly because some guys I work with are big VH fans, and I wanted to share the experience with them. We have lots of VH conversations at work, and it felt good to share my good times with them. They showed great enthusiasm for my good fortune.

Then came the weekend, with my familiar ritual of wake up, dog, park, gym, roof deck, baseball on TV, shower, sleep, wake up, dog, park, gym, roof deck, baseball on TV, shower, sleep...

Work Monday. Work 1/2 day Tuesdsday... Why?

The two wisdom teeth came out a 3:55pm. Ouch? Well, not really - the teeth were not impacted, and they were both removed within ten minutes. Then I was on my way out the door, walking home.

Whew!!!!! That almost sucked!

The next day came the Champions League Finals: Chelsea vs ManU. Awesome stuff. I'll let the real soccer/footballers comment on that one.

After the Toof removal, the endless barrage of soup was great until I was so hungry that I scarfed down a sub in about three minutes many days later. Mmmmm...

Later on came Memorial Day weekend. Neighborhood cookouts, Merchant Marine Academy reunion in Little Italy, and more baseball on the roof: O's vs Yankees.

Yes, it is A Blessed Life here in B'more!

jb

Haiku Mutt

Bettis is a dog
Running in park tongue hangs down
Chase frisbee jump catch

Slurping water drool
Munch food with tuna juicy
Satisfied lick chops

Romp with friends at park
Sniffing running roll in grass
Riverside evening

Gripes

But when I head up the stairs, they just melt away.

Perhaps there are so many gripes that they canel each other out. Flyers beat the Craps - can't stand either of 'em. yankees schmankees. Bush/Cheney Limited LIABILITY Company ruins the world every minute of the day...

But the Orioles have a decent record.

And my [name brand] portable music player still works.

Not paying for gas, because I walk or bike to work.

The dog smiles at me.

Penguins are up 3-0.


But I am not letting jerks off the hook. Ever.

I Am Legend (legendarily awful)

My good pal KiKi Downing writes of great movie-related things such as Wes Anderson Movies, Steve Buscemi and William H. Macy. I have to report on an awful movie. Because I don't watch many movies anymore, especially newer movies. But I had a weak moment and watched one.

Okay, a neighbor rented it and offered it because the disc wasn't due for a couple of days. So I don't hate the movie, because I didn't put any time, effort or money into renting it.

I Am Legend had promise. I love plague-wiping-out-civilation stories. I LOVE zombie stories (and stories with zombie-like creatures). I love German Shepherds, and dogs in general.

And I like Will Smith. Some might call it a "guilty pleasure", but I'm not worried about it. He's cool and funny, an Silly. Parents Just don't Understand is a riot. The song Summertime is such a groove that anyone who doesn't like it needs their Soul examined. Fresh Prince of Bel Air gave us some good laughs. And Will Smith has an affinity for Baltimore, but honestly I liked him before I lived here.

So Will Smith made fun movies. Bad Boys was a fun "Cop Buddy" story, like the Miami Vice tv show meets 48 Hrs. Independence Day - a perfect summer blockbuster kind of movie (back when I actually went to movie theaters). Men In Black, another summer blockbuster, was fun and enjoyable. It reminded me of the 1970's Disney films like Freaky Friday that I enjoyed so much as a kid. Apparently the movie Six Degrees of Separation is really good and his best job of all, but I haven't watched that one yet. I will - it's just that so many people I respect people say it's good, so I trust their judgment.

Then there was Enemy of the State, which was cool on so many levels: government conspiracy, political corruption, super-secret government activity, Gene Hackman, a total tribute to The Conversation, Baltimore (even though they used B'more as a stand-in for D.C.), Jon Voight and Jack Black, explosions, and a cat.

Side note: Just before the scene when Gene Hackman poses as a B'more City cop and meets with Jon Voight during a rainstorm, Jen chatted up Jon Voight on her way to work and gave him her business card. That business card is in J.V.'s pocket as the scene is filmed. How cool is that?

So anyway, I still like Will Smith. I stand by him.

Back to the movie. I Am Legend showed many things and had so many potential stories that "they" spent no time on any of them. To me, it looked like there was a leader of the zombies with an agenda, but that story never developed. The dog story was there, but how far can you go with a dog story? The developing-vaccine-turning-into-a-devastating-plague story never develop. Then came the religious nuts. That didn't develop (thankfully).

In the end, there was some military compound safehold. I think this movie was made just as a fix to 28 Days Later, which had such GREAT zombie movie promise, but crapped ot halfway through and turned into some story about military troops turning into horrible rapists. That sucked.

I'll take Shaun Of The Dead any day.


jb

Poor Man, Rich Man

After an hour spent scrubbing the bathroom, I always feel like a troll.

Then, after a five minute shower in that freshly scrubbed bathroom, I feel like a new man.

Ahhhh. Life is good.

One of the greatest songs.

Ball & Chain by Social Distortion.

Just about as perfect as one song can be. Every time it comes on the radio, the volume must be cranked. And it gets even better if you're driving down a lonesome country highway with the windows open.

The Rage

I do not like jogging. It's boring. It destroys your knees (even if you own a wicked-expensive pair of running shoes). It sucks.

And yesterday, an event reaffirmed my dislike of jogging. The clutch gave out. Jenny called me at the gym, frantic. I left immediately, and jogged to meet her.

That's when I found out that "The Rage" by Judas Priest is the best song for jogging. The rhythm laid down Dave Holland is perfect for a jog - not too fast, not too slow. Just right.

Although I do not recommend joggin', try going a couple of blocks with this song playing in your earphones. I think you'll agree.
jb

Below the Mason-Dixon Line

Winter is usually pretty easy here, even just below The Line.

The temperature today downtown was in the upper 50s, thanks to a good spell of sunshine for most of the afternoon.

But then it got cold. Ice cold. Ice Cream Cold. Brrrr!

The weather outside is still pretty comfortable. I could go out there in shorts and a sweatshirt at 11pm. But the problem is that I just ate a half-gallon of ice cream, straight out of the carton. BRRRR!

Now it's FREEZING in this house.

jb

My Girlfriend Tried To Kill Me Last Night…

…with a 3-piece fried chicken dinner from Royal Farms, with Western fries. A near-death experience never tasted so good.

Damn them for opening a store two blocks from the house. I am doomed.

English Premier League

I totally KICKED ASS today with my team, 2nd Degree Assault.

The boys at Arsenal served up big points, and my new Main Man from Portsmouth notched three goals! Awesome!

EPL rules!

Beware of Cows

On a country road in Burnworth’s van, Tom drove us through the rolling hills of northern Maryland at a leisurely pace. Passing a small farm on the right, I noticed a gigantic white cow. It was about the same size as Burnworth’s gigantic white van.

“Get a load of that gigantic white cow over there!” I said to Tom.

He slowed down and leaned over just in time to see the gigantic white cow look up and notice us. The beast snorted, lowered its head and began rumbling toward us. “Get us the hell out of here,” I yelled.

Tom hit the accelerator, and of course the gigantic white van’s engine roared but rolled us away very slowly. The gigantic white cow picked up speed and quickly pulled up alongside the gigantic white van, matching us stride-for-rpm. The enormous bovine poked its head through my open window and tried to bite me, with teeth gnashing fiercely.

Finally, the mouth caught hold of my jacket sleeve and yanked me out of the van, tossing me like a worthless sack of grits into the ditch beside the road. I got up and ran, but soon the gigantic white cow caught up and ran over me. The bright, beautiful afternoon slowly dimmed to black as I lay there bloodies and broken, wondering what becoming a meal for the gigantic white cow would be like.

Basketball Memories (with Much Respect to Jim Carroll and The Basketball Diaries)

Winter, 1992, Hollywood - 11am - 1pm, Weekdays

Lunchtime hoops with movie industry dudes from all the nearby, no-name studios. (Grips, Best Boys, Gaffers [What’s a Gaffer?], Lighting guys, Sound guys, Assistants-to-the Assistants, Coffee Gophers - you name it.)

Wake up at nine, kick back, shower, eat breakfast. What a wonderful way to spend a weekday morning. But that’s only the beginning. The clock reads 10:30. Time to lace up the basketball shoes and head over to the courts.


Fall, 1993 - 6pm - San Francisco, Marina District.

Following a day of relaxation, bumming around town and riding the fantastic electric busses, I see some good hoops going on at a picturesque outdoor hoops court near the marina. “Man, this looks good” I said to myself. I ran to my car, popped the trunk and grabbed my basketball shoes, then played a solid round of street ball as the beautiful San Francisco evening turned to night. Everyone there - the players, the friends, the hangers-on - hooted and hollered as some good ball played out before them. Talk about feeling good for many reasons…

Afterward, I felt completely spent. To one side, there was a big grocery store full of fantastic food just a couple of blocks away. I opted to head in the other direction, toward the Youth Hostel where I had been staying all week long, because halfway there sat my roadtrip car, with some free food in the trunk: a can of Pork & Beans. And a plastic spoon. Yep, that was a meal only the best gourmet chefs in the West could top. Mmmm.

Then I staggered back to the Hostel, showered, and passed out.

At a Healthclub

At a big health club in Connecticut, the gang was all there around 11pm working out. Kevin, of course, began heckling some redheaded kid, who was part of a ginormous Pilates class.

“Come on! Get those crunches right! You’re weak!” yelled Kevin, jokingly.

The redheaded kid got up, walked over, and challenged Kevin to a “duel” of sorts. “Anything . How about boxing?” the kid offered.

“Boxing?” asked Kevin. “I’ll murder you.”

“Naah, it’ll be all right. We wear all that equipment and padding,” the kid said.

“Yeah,” I chimed in. “Lots of padding. No one will get really hurt.”

Justin, sitting quietly, watching the whole scene, nodded in agreement and took another drag on his cigarette. Then he downed the rest of his scotch and signaled the waitress for another.